Saturday, 21 April 2007

Tattoos



WHEN I was a child the only people who had tattoos were serial killers and Hell's Angels. So when one of my friends today was in a right old state because her daughter had come home from university with a tattoo, I sympathised.
However, the younger women around my table were very laid back and sounded envious of what sounds like a ring of dried black snot around the girl's upper arm.
"That's cool," said one.
"Cool?" I said. "What are you, 15?"
Let's face it, tattoos last longer than most relationships so if you have "I love Wilhelmina-Chardonnay" tattooed on your arm, it's going to be very difficult a couple of years down the line to change it to "I love Bo".
A friend of a friend of a friend thought it hilarious to have "Bill's playground" tattooed along her bikini line. Trouble was, Bill upped and took his Action Man to another woman's playground.
I once worked with a rather naïve woman who fell in love with the idea of a tattoo.
"I'd love a flower," she twittered. "In cerise. My favourite dress is cerise and it would go with it." This would be the favourite dress you are going to wear FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, would it?
Tattoos are as subject to fashion as the height of the waistband on your trousers. That cute little rose on your ankle will soon date you as surely as a blue rinse dates an octogenarian.
When these young people have young people of their own (who won't have a tattoo because they will have gone hopelessly out of fashion), they'll be saying to each other, "My mother's so OLD, she has one of those Sanskrit tattoos around her arm," whereupon she and her friends will fall about laughing at the lameness of the older generation.
I don't understand how anyone could lie down for a man in a sleeveless jerkin with a bandanna round his head, multi-coloured tattoos of a globe and sword running up one arm and a snake crawling down the other, Led Zeppelin playing in the background and a needle in his hand.
Oh, I don't know though ….
I would be very worried about his level of education. Not because I am an education snob but because I wouldn't want to go home with "Draggon Lady" tattooed on my bosom.
And what about all those tattoos in Sankskrit, Latin or Chinese letters? Does your average Westerner know what they mean? For all they know they could say, "I am a wanker," or "I've made 120 quid from this gullible prat" or "I think Gordon Brown is eminently well-placed to solve this country's fiscal problems."
I asked the dearly beloved if he thought a tattoo would suit me - somewhere discreet where no one but he could see it.
"Why not have War and Peace tattooed on your ass," he said. "There's plenty of room."
Oh very funny. Very bloody funny.

16 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

"Why not have War and Peace tattooed on your ass," he said. "There's plenty of room."
Oh very funny. Very bloody funny.

It's only funny if you've got a problem with having a big posterior. I like females to have big, firm behinds that make a "thwack" noise when I slap them. Could you tell us a little more about your rump?

Anonymous said...

There's nothing wrong with tatoos. My girlfriend has got a cute little flower on her shoulder and i love it!!

Elizabeth Grace said...

Too funny! I followed the link that you left over on WU (about to be a goner, I fear) and I'm glad to have read you! I've bookmarked you here and will be back around. This is me here: Elizabeth Grace; I'm Inklings over there...

herschelian said...

God, you are SO right about tattoos. I always said to my kids: imagine, your are the same age as Granny and you are knocked over by a bus - how attractive will your tattoos look then on a wrinkly old bod in a morgue? ok, ok its a very extreme mental picture - but it WORKED, they've both done other stuff, but not, thank goodness, tattoos. BTW would you mind if I put a link to your blog on my blog? (says she in an ingratiating tone).

Around My Kitchen Table said...

Herschelian: Do please put a link on your blog - I have already put one to you on mine!

Witty Woman said...

Ha-ha at "Draggon Lady". I've actually seen tattoos like that. I also once knew a woman called Sue who had to spend her married life with a guy who had "I love Janet" tattooed on his arm.

Anyway, thanks very much indeed for your complimentary comment on my blog, I'm so glad you like it. I'm glad I've found yours, too. I shall add it to my blogroll immediately.

BTW, do you know what's worse than confusing "your" and "you're"? Having someone say "youre going their ru" (no, I jest not) and seeing someone correct it to "your".

I will be back ...

Witty Woman said...

Oops, I was a tad naughty there. I said "BTW" instead of "By the way". Damn the Internet and damn my teenage daughter and her silly Net speak.

Pig in the Kitchen said...

very funny amkt! Thing is, tattoos fade, so the cerise tattoo would soon not match the dress, what a fashion faux pas! And also doesn't skin stretch? (mine is obviously still so taut and peachy I wouldn't know), so the tattoo would stretch...yuk!

The Little Cheese said...

You see, I always wanted a tattoo but never got one because a) I could never make up my mind and b) I wanted one on my already expanding hips...

A friend of mine had a really bad daisy tatooed on her right boob. I don't know her now but I believe she is a model, that must take some crafty make-up!

Miss Understood said...

What a fantastic blog you have! I'm linking you immediately. That's if you don't mind being associated with a woman who has a tattoo on her shoulder...
It is very small though. And I do live in Devon, so that should help.

dartmoorheather said...

Hmmm. Yes. Tattoos. Having a tattoo now seems to be a right of passage. Whilst growing up the only people I knew with tattoos were my uncle and grandfather, both of whom had served in the navy. Oh and there was Popeye of course...

Unfortunately time had made it impossible to work out whether that blue squiggly thing was a dragon's claw or a thrombotic vein.

Thanks for visiting my blog. I'll be back...

Mopsa said...

AMKT - you are a complete hoot!You are most definitely linked!

Lord Milky said...

I haven't commented for a while - my apologies.

Female fashion in certain circles seem to favour the "slag tag", that crappy pattern on the lower back that is (excuse my crudeness) a spunk target for your average club pull.

As the years go by and a few pounds are added here and there, the wrinkles appear, your pattern goes out of fashion, you are no longer a slag, it must surely seem a bit stupid.

I sound like my gran. I'll go now!

Erica AP said...

Haha... So true... I'm scared of anything permanent, but I'm kinda envious of the people who don't give a crap and live spontaneously like that...

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River said...

Three of my children have multiple tattoos, as does my oldest grand daughter. I've thought about one, a bracelet style around my ankle or wrist with my initials, blood group and birthdate. I figure it could come in handy if I'm brought to a hospital after an accident and I'm unconscious so can't identify myself.