WHAT is it with surveys? Ninety-nine per cent of them tell you something you already knew or something so obscure that you could care less. This week the ones that have been dropping into my inbox at work have been mind-blowingly inconsequential.
First, there was the astonishing news that rock stars, on average, die younger than, say, chartered surveyors.
You don't say.
Today I had one that told me that people tend to put on weight while on holiday. Really? And there was me under the impression that copious amounts of sangria or tequila slammers washing down five course dinners after a day spark out on the beach was slimming.
Then there was one that has discovered that if you feed kids crap, they'll feel like shit. Shovel vast quantities of additive-filled sugary or salty snacks into their ever-open little gobs, and they are going to behave badly.Well, I'll go the foot of our stairs. There's a surprise.
What I want to know is how much someone was paid to find out these blindingly obvious facts. They could have saved their money and come and asked me.
I'm going to write to Exeter University (my nearest) and suggest they set up a Stating The Bleeding Obvious research chair for me. I can envisage my day's work. Start at 9am with a brainstorming session with three comatose students.
"Well, guys and gals, what shall we research this week?"
"Thank you for that input, Wayne. Anyone else?"
"How 'bout finding out wevah if you drive blindfolded, right, you have, right, y'know, more accidents or sumfink?"
"Good idea, Chardonnay, but Oxford University has already done that one."
Alfaromeo wipes the sleep from his eyes and pipes up: "Hey, I have a wizard idea. Let's find out, OK?, if you lie in the sun in Barbados, OK?, you get a tan quicker than if you, like, lie in the sun in Alaska in the winter. Yah?"
"Brilliant, Alf. You and I can do our research in Barbados for three months and Wayne and Chardonnay can hop over to Alaska."
Take the rest of the day off.
I must go out and buy a new swimming cozzie in "large". I've heard you can put on weight while you're on holiday.