Saturday, 3 November 2007

Fitting My Genes


AS someone who is somewhat vertically challenged (5ft 2 and a half - don't forget the half - in my stockinged feet), I was at first upset to read that in a 100,000 years humankind could be divided into two sub-species – a tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent and creative upper class and an underclass of dimwitted, shortarses.
100,000 years time? I’m already there. Always knew I was a trend-setter.
These two distinct species will evolve, says some professor somewhere (can’t remember his name or where he comes from – dimwitted, obviously - because Beautiful People pick Beautiful People to mate with and we trolls are left with the rest.
There is a flaw in that argument. How many ugly (but stinking rich) men are married to drop-dead gorgeous women? Admittedly, quite a few of them have started off with a troll but they have traded her in for a Beautiful Person when the money comes rolling in. Sadly, very few female trolls are able to catch a drop-dead gorgeous man.
Except for me.
The dearly beloved is “tall, slim, healthy, attractive and creative” – that’s how he looks to me after a few glasses of wine anyway. And I must remember to make an appointment with the optician next week.
Still, there’s some consolation. If you believe all the stories about the Beautiful People, who would want to be part of the elite class? I don’t want to spend my life worrying about whether my clothes have the right label; I feel posh if I’m wearing something from M&S. I don’t have to worry about being on an A list, B list or C list. I am emphatically and happily ensconced on a Z list.
I don’t have to worry when my phone doesn’t ring. I’ve not fallen out of favour with the in-crowd, I know my mother is watching EastEnders.
I’m not jetting around the world to work or stay briefly in one of my five huge mansions, leaving a gigantic carbon footprint and then haranguing everyone else via some dire music festival to switch off the light in the sitting-room.
I will quite happily have another helping of chicken curry because one ounce more or less isn’t going to make any difference.
I don’t have to worry about the paparazzi outside my door; I’m more likely to be featured in Dogs Today than in Hello! magazine
So, to all you Beautiful People, it’s actually quite nice being a troll. And as the elite classes have realised down through the ages, you have occasionally to strengthen the gene pool with a little bit of troll blood, Otherwise, with all that in-breeding, you will all end up looking gorgeous but with the brain power of a retarded racoon.

23 comments:

Akelamalu said...

It won't work - Perfection - Hitler tried it and lost! We need diversity - Trolls are good! x

laurie said...

ha! from one troll to the other, i tip my cap to ye. (i, too, am 5' 2" and a half.)

my husband is 6' 4". he says we look like a freak show together. i guess we do...

Flowerpot said...

My mother's 5 foot exactly so you make her look like a giant! And as for being featured in magazines, I have been in Dogs Today (Or rather, the piece I wrote about my Mollie was!) Lovely post Table.

lady thinker said...

Daer AMKT - Very funny - if a definition of a troll is by the life it leads and the clothes it wears then I too a troll but I'm over 5' 8" so where do I fit in?
I must be in a class of my own - I'm a tall fat old troll! But Stinking Billy [bless] did recently call me a doll!

elizabethm said...

Speaking as another shortarse married to a tall, dark and handsome type, I think we are pretty much the norm. Know loads of small women married to tall men. My taller friends object on the basis we should leave them to the over 5 foot eight who have fewer to choose from.

Mary Alice said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mary Alice said...

That was brilliant. Very amusing. I am on the tall end of the female variety, but not nearly as svelte as is popular. I do understand your point. I just had a debate with my child psych professor about a statistic that says that less intelligent couples have larger families. Having come from a large and fairly intelligent family I took offense at this statistic. I asked him if this were indeed true, don't the brainiacs have a civic and evolutionary duty to stop being so self-centered, pursuing high powered careers and limiting their family size as a matter of personal convenience? Shouldn't they have MORE children so we don't reach some evolutionary tipping point and ultimately get back down on all fours and then finally slither back into the sea?

belle said...

Well if you're a troll, I must be a giant. At six foot I can't admit to having any dwarf potential but I'm certainly not one of the beautiful people. My friends call me Hagrid ;o)

BetteJo said...

5'4" and I'm the tallest female in my family. I like it down here!

Gorilla Bananas said...

I like short humans. They are more in touch with reality and funnier. I always got on well with midgets and dwarves. There's no excuse for being a porker though.

Tina said...

I'm kind of in the middle with height, but am definitely troll like. I have feet like a hobbit too.

Pig in the Kitchen said...

I don't know how tall I am. Somewhere along the line I got confused with going metric and now I don't know it in feet, inches or metres. But I do know i have a long body and short legs. I also know I will never be a supermodel.
I think i'm on the side of the trolls...

Miss Understood said...

I have long legs and a short body. I jumped for joy when hipster jeans came in...the waist high ones came up to my nipples.

Jo said...

I'd just wear high heels to push me up into the tall category.

Sorry trolls.

;)

Mopsa said...

AMKT - I don't believe anyone who quotes Miss Piggy on her sidebar can be a troll. And if a troll shapeshifts, you can be anything you wanna be, anyway.

Rol Hirst said...

I prefer it when my phone doesn't ring.

Besides, who cares about 100,000 years time? We'll all be dead anyway.

Henry North London said...

I know how to lose weight but it involves ingesting meat and fruit and not much else.

I would love to do it but its not possibly right now when I am at my almost vegan parents who insist upon buying full cream milk which I detest.

Frustration has set in and I think it might ripen in time for Christmas.

Please do visit by the way,.. I've got two blogs... one sort of political version and one where I muse about myself.

All visitors welcome ( yes I am a statistics tart)

Sweet Irene said...

Quite some time ago, I have decided that I belong to the X-class, and no, I am not short and stupid or ugly. I was just tired of always having to belong to the upper middle classes who are all doing the right things. Luckily, a divorce took care of that and now I can be just any old person and live in just any old apartment and shop at any old store and vote socialist. I breathe a sigh of relief. I am so happy to be human again.

Around My Kitchen Table said...

Akelamalu: Too much in-breeding is obviously bad. No one needs six fingers on each hand.

Laurie: Dearly beloved is 6ft. I've always preferred tall men but one of my friends, who is 5ft 8in, is married to someone 5ft 6in and calls him her "pocket rocket"!

Flowerpot: Thanks for compliment. At least you weren't in Dogs Today in an "owners who look like their dogs" feature!

Lady Thinker: It's best not to fit in any category. You are unique!

Elizabeth M: Sometimes, when it comes to physical attraction, opposites attract. Have a look at my reply to Laurie!

Mary Alice: Oh dear! I am one of seven children and none of us ever sat at the back of the class making raffia mats while the rest did long division! It's all part of that nature v. nurture debate, I suppose. Do some people appear "less intelligent" because of they way they have been brought up?

Belle: Hagrid is beautiful! I love him!

Bettejo: 5ft 4in? You're a giant!

GB: Yes, but you're not supposed to have dwarf-throwing competitions or use little people as foot rests.

Tina: Who wants to be like everybody else? It's good to be original!

Pigs: Who apart from a wannabe teenager would ever want to be or look like a supermodel? For a start, they never eat - one of the big pleasures in my life!

Miss U: Long legs. You're so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky!

Jo: Good thinking, Jo. I must get myself to one of those specialist shops that sell rubber goods and 6in high heels!

Mopsa: I have tried to shape-shift myself into someone looking like Michelle Pfeiffer. Unfortunately, it didn't work!

Rol: Good point but I'm just thinking of all those poor trolls hundreds of thousands of years down the line who have some of my genes in their poor squat bodies!

Henry: We all know about healthy eating, in theory. It's the practice that's difficult. But no amount of healthy eating is going to make me taller, unfortunately! Will be round to visit shortly. My blog visiting has been very lax lately, what with one thing and another.

Sweet Irene: Isn't wonderful when you get to that age where you really don't care about what (most) other people think. Isn't it liberating!

Henry North London said...

Be sure to see Musings www.biologicalfeatures.blogspot.com

the post I have just done is a classic..

Mid-lifer said...

Think of all the wit and personality they'll miss out on then. There's more to a person than good looks and beauty - at least, that's what I tell myself when I wonder how on earth I ended up with a good-looking man.

ANYWAY - it's all rubbish. As we all know beauty is in the eye of..etc and varies cross-culturally. In some countries very large women are considered beautiful, in others, almost everyone is under 5 foot.

What a load of tosh.

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Kate said...

So, this is where all the other trolls are hanging out! I'll definitely be back!