Saturday, 4 July 2009

Car Sharing



I HAVE heard all the dire warnings about global warming so to complain about car sharing seems inappropriate.

But I’m going to anyway.

Before I go any further, I should say I regularly give a colleague a lift to work and we get along just fine. We are both of a certain age (certain we’re past our sell-by date) and can be a pair of grumpy old women together.

Generally speaking, though, I consider giving lifts a necessary evil.

For a start, you can’t do any of those antisocial things like spit, fart and chew baccy. I don’t particularly want to spit, fart and chew baccy – but I want to feel I can if the mood takes me. And I’m not sure of the etiquette . Radio on or radio off? My passenger might not like my choice of Gran Radio – the channel that puts glamour into incontinence pads. But give them the choice, and you can bet your life you'll be subjected to some dire 60s country and western channel. There’s only so many times you can hear a mountain gal sing about her love for poor old dying Yeller without tossing her the humane killer.

So the radio is off and I have to, horror of horrors, make conversation. For some of these people I would feign unconsciousness to get away from at a party, but here I am trapped inside this metal tube with some gormless idiot chuntering on beside me for 20 miles.

I used to give a teenager from my village a lift to college. I'm not sure what she was studying - I'm not sure she knew what she was studying - but her area of expertise was relationships. I'd nod sagely at pearls of wisdom like, "Well Kelly thinks that Tyler fancies her but I could tell her for nothing that actually he thinks she's a total minger and I know for an absolute fact that he fancies Chantelle but I saw her snogging Dazza in the bus shelter and he's supposed to be going out with Mimi but I don't know what he sees in her, she's such a total scuzz-bucket and not fussy with it either, if you know what I mean, just ask Bruno, he chucked her because he was fed up of finding her with her tongue down other lads' throats and when he caught her with Simon - yes, that Simon - who's totally ancient and must be nearly 30, well he had no choice but to give her the elbow. "

STOP!

I'm not sure who was worse, her or the young lad who in a year of lifts never said one word apart from the occasional grunt which I took was either a yes or no answer to the odd question I'd throw his way. Then there was the trainee hairdresser who had no conversation at all unless it related to hair and all its associated products.

That's the trouble with living in a village with only an intermittent bus service, mums knock on your door and ask if you can ferry their little darlings to town.

The next time I'm asked to give someone a lift I think I might trade my car in for a black cab and make sure the interconnecting window is well and truly shut. I can sit back, turn on Gran Radio and spit out the window.

12 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think you have to stamp your authority on the young'uns, Mrs Table. Instruct them to put on headphones and listen their ipods. Make them appreciate the smell of your farts. It can be done.

The Green Stone Woman said...

You should just grunt back when having a conversation with any teenager, or better yet, get an i Pod and listen to it yourself, making sure they have noticed its presence so they know you are not available for small talk. Turn it up loud enough so they can hear the beat of your music, or the melody, whatever your preference is.

XOX
Irene

Akelamalu said...

I don't mind giving people a lift but it drives me mad when they're late.

IF SOMEONE IS DOING YOU THE FAVOUR OF GIVING YOU A LIFT AT LEAST BE ON TIME!!!! I wanted to shout. :(

Maria said...

My partner and I work within 2 blocks of each other and it is a half hour drive for us to our workplace. She has to be at work at 7. I don't work until 8. You would think that I would just suck it up and go into work an hour early and she could wait an hour for me after work but I just can't.

I DETEST the country western music that she insists "gets her ready for work" and she detests the books on tape that I listen to.

So we take separate cars and feel guilty.

Flowerpot said...

Oh it's difficult isn't it?! I haven't had to give lifts for ages and as I work from home now I certainly don't have to. But tricky situation.

Louisa said...

Love the line about Gran Radio - the channel that puts glamour into incontinence pads! He-he - very funny!!

Stinking Billy said...

AMKT, Now, why didn't I ever think of addressing you as simply "Mrs Table", as Gorilla Bananas does? It's much nicer. Anyway, I loved this post. Very witty! x

monix said...

Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog earlier. I think I'd like to spend time around your kitchen table, it looks like a good place for witty conversation.

Around My Kitchen Table said...

GB: Good advice, GB, although I don't think I'd be stamping my authority, just stamping.

GSW:I have an iPOD but not sure whether you are allowed to drive while wearing one!

Akelamalu: I so agree with that. I seethed while drumming my fingers on the steering wheel more than once.

Maria: The trouble with a car is that there's no escape if you're stuck with someone being annoying!

Flowerpot: I love my job but I must admit the commuting is the worst part of it.

Louisa and Billy: Thanks for kind comments.

Monix: You're welcome around my table any time!

the girl with the pink teacup said...

Hmmm. Speaking as a young'un, I'd have to say that so-called "conversation" like the one you described would have me reaching for either a stiff drink or a baseball bat, depending on whether or not I was driving. But at least you can be thankful that you're guaranteed ticket into heaven with all the planet-saving you're doing :) Funny, funny post.

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Sally-Sal said...

I always fart in the car.