The Dearly Beloved GAVE ME FLOWERS THIS MORNING. Please excuse the capital letters but that was how shocked I was. They weren't the flowers at the top of this page; they were two bunches, one of roses, he bought in the local garage. But they're very nice and that's a very romantic gesture for him.
I gave him some David Beckham aftershave. David Beckham is his hero and every time someone makes a dodgy pass in any football match he yells at the TV: "You're a f***ing disgrace, Beckham would have nailed it!" I like David Beckham too but his ability to provide an inch-perfect pass isn't one of the reasons...
Anyway, please don't tell him, but I bought him the aftershave for Christmas, put it away somewhere and forgot about it. It came to the light the other day when I was having a clear out.
A while ago I wrote 10 Commandments for Valentine's Day for him and I will repeat them here:
1. Thou shalt worship no other woman except me, even if she is 18 with the body of an athlete and her father owns a brewery.
2. Thou shalt not take my name in vain and will lie through your teeth to give the impression I am a softly-spoken goddess with the milk of human kindness running through my veins.
3. Thou shalt remember it's Valentine's Day and keep it holy with a multitude of sacrifices including chocolates, flowers, champagne and expensive jewellery.
4. Thou shalt honour my family and ignore the fact that half of them are barking.
5. Thou shalt remember the Sabbath and take me out to Sunday lunch so that I do not have to have to do unspeakable things to you with a roast parsnip.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless thou desirest to spend the rest of your life talking in a high voice and wearing women's clothes.
7. Thou shalt not murder multitude pints of beer on a Saturday night and then come home and try to convince me you are sex on legs.
8. Thou shalt not steal my chocolate unless thou desirest to spend the rest of your life without hands.
9.Thou shalt not covet our neighbour's ass, even if it is half the size of mine and perched on top of endless legs
10. Thou shalt realise that even if I change my mind from one second to the next, I am always right and you are always wrong.